Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV "Born To Be Wild" video shoot
Mitzi TV head to the pastoral English countryside for some peace and relaxation, only to get a lot more than they bargained for when a hoard of Harley Davidson riders descends on their quiet country hotel.
Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV "Prowling For Eels" video shoot
…It’s Mitzi TV!
And just what did you think it was, a man with three buttocks?
In case you didn’t already know (like where you been, mate?), Mitzi TV is the new web TV channel to head to for all things quirky and eccentric in London. We’ve gone from crazy pub singalongs, eating jellied eel, and chatting about classic cars with such luminaries as Formula 1 racecar driver/BBC TV presenter Tiff Needell, couture shoe designer Jimmy Choo and Batman – to Morris dancing with software geeks. And no, this wasn’t in the same episode!
Of course, I couldn’t create all this madness and mayhem without the talents of cameraman extraordinaire/stand-up diamond geezah Steve Beer and cutie-pie theme musicman extraordinaire Andrew Shatnyy (Facebook/MySpace). And let’s not forget the talents of my handsome (albeit furry) production assistant extraordinaire Teddy Tedaloo, who also provides onscreen talent.
As for those buttocks I mentioned, how do you deal with a governmental body that has all the common sense of not even one buttock?
In my never-ending quest to bring you the ever-quirky and eccentric (while still managing to stay out of the loony bin), I recently found myself entering into a rather annoying fracas with a governmental body: the Royal Parks people. I knew I should’ve cut through all those buzzing drones and biscuit-eating/tea drinking middle men (and women) and gone straight to the top, specifically HRH. Now Lizzie’s a queen who gets things done!
I am referring to a recent attempt by yours truly to line up permission to shoot a Mitzi TV video at Speaker’s Corner in London’s Hyde Park. Because it’s a “Royal” park, I knew I’d need to obtain an official okay. I mean, it wasn’t like we’d be there with a little digital camera and could subtly blend into the crowd. We run a professional operation with professional equipment. (Plus people have commented on that big-ass mike I use, so “subtle” is not the word that springs to mind when we’re talking a Mitzi TV shoot.) Since Speaker’s Corner necessitates a substantial police presence (some of the speakers and audience members can get pretty wound up apparently), I didn’t fancy being led away by the Old Bill, therefore I decided to follow the proper channels to make the shoot happen. It’s a quirky kind of event, and Mitzi TV is nothing if not quirky, so it didn’t seem likely I’d be given an “on yer bike, missus!”.
When I received an email replying to my query, I thought, hey, this is great – sounds like we’re in! Here follows the exact text that refers directly to the issue about who and what controls the area in question:
Speaker’s Corner is an integral part of Hyde Park, which is one of London’s eight Royal Parks. The Royal Parks are owned by the Crown, but were passed to the Government under the Crown Lands Act 1851 to be managed as public open space. They are now the responsibility of the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, who delegates their day to day management to The Royal Parks. They are funded by the taxpayer.
Teddy Tedaloo in Mitzi TV video opener
“Public open space.” “Funded by the taxpayer.” Well, I’m no lawyer, but this sounds like the definition of a public place – and you do not need permission to film in a public place (not yet anyway). That is why it’s called “PUBLIC.” That statement about being funded by the taxpayer put a further stamp of approval on the process, because guess who’s a taxpayer? Yeah, moi. Just to make certain there was no misinterpretation on my part as to what clearly looked to be a clear description of who controls the park, I messaged once more to confirm that I’d be allowed to shoot some video of the speakers, and asked which specific days they were there spouting off.
The reply came back that these Soapbox Annies and Alis are there on Sundays only, and yes, I would need permission to film, but my message was being forwarded to the Appropriate Party. Not wanting to waste time, I shot off an email to this A.P., explaining what I wished to do and that I’d like to take care of the details as quickly as possible. A.P. messaged back, informing me that they do not permit filming at Speaker’s Corner on Sundays, but I could phone them to discuss the matter further.
Umm… did they not just tell me that I couldn’t film there on a Sunday? So what was there to discuss, the weather? Of course we all know how the Brits love to talk about the weather.
So did this mean they’d give me permission to film at Speaker’s Corner on a day that was not a Sunday? Now forgive me if I’m wrong (or extremely stupid), but what’s the point of filming speakers at Speaker’s Corner when there aren’t any speakers there to film? This is the very question I put forth to A.P. in my reply, also mentioning the fact that plenty of people have shot videos there – how could this be possible if they needed to obtain permission? Needless to say, my email did not receive a response.
Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV "Baby You Can Drive My Car" video shoot
Now I have nothing against doing a bit of guerrilla filming – I’ve got more cajones than any of the men I’ve known. However, what I do have something against is being harassed (and led away by handcuffs) by the police. There’s a time and place for handcuffs – and this isn’t one of them. Besides which, London coppers aren’t as cute as they used to be. They’re getting a bit wide, if you know what I mean, looking more and more like their doughnut-eating American counterparts. So we’d better forget the handcuffs for now.
As for Mitzi TV, keep an eye out for me at Speaker’s Corner, because I don’t like taking “no” for an answer.
Guess it’s a good thing they abolished beheading in this country…
MITZI TV
Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV Morris Dancing video shoot
Mitzi TV ventures into Central London to meet up with the Westminster Morris Men, a team of Morris dancers who do a lot more than shake their booty as they keep alive this wonderfully rhythmic English folk dance!
Visit the official Mitzi TV website at: http://mitziszereto.com/tv
Mitzi Szereto interviews an Austin Healey for Mitzi TV
Mitzi TV heads to the Connaught Village Spring Festival in London, encountering some cool cars and the likes of Batman, Fred Flintstone, Formula 1 racecar driver and BBC Television’s “Top Gear” and “Fifth Gear” presenter Tiff Needell, and Carrie Bradshaw’s favourite couture shoe designer Jimmy Choo!
Visit the official Mitzi TV website at: http://mitziszereto.com/tv
Mitzi Szereto presenting Mitzi TV
Mitzi TV goes on the prowl in London in search of the famous East End Cockney delicacy, the jellied eel… (Turns out these scary denizens of the deep weren’t our cup of tea. We should’ve ordered the pie and mash instead!)
Visit the official Mitzi TV website at: http://mitziszereto.com/tv
Mitzi Szereto hanging wiv some geeks
Random nights out in The Big Smoke…
Right, I know exactly what you’re thinking: drugs, booze, wild parties, The Old Bill, riot gear… Bet you can hear the sirens wailing already as a police van carts me off into the sooty London night. Booked, fingerprinted, tossed in the nick. Oh, the shame of it!
Well, think again.
How about a Turkish kebab with a bunch of tech geeks? Scary stuff, huh? And it gets better. How about a Turkish kebab with a bunch of tech geeks in a Turkish restaurant located across the road from a mosque? You guessed it, Habib – no booze! But what the hey, the meat was Halal and there was little chance of catching swine flu from anything on the menu!
You might well ask how our charming group of geek-kebabites hooked up in the first place. It was random destiny, my dears – “random” being the operative word here. It could be that we were all foreigners to some extent, therefore not confined to the Britishness of needing to have downed pints at the local with someone for a zillion years before venturing out for a curry together. See, I belong to a ton of groups – Facebook groups, Meetup groups – you name it, I belong to it. Ergo this whole mad kebab caper kicked off with a mass email via one of my Meetup groups inquiring if anyone was going to the TechCrunch party in London. I replied that I was, and that kicked off still more mass emails with others RSVP-ing that they were going too.
Anyway, I forgot all about it till the night of the party, when one of the mass messagers recognised me and came over to introduce himself and his mate. Riveting stuff so far, eh? Well, give me a chance! Three nights later I was at some geek networking event in Brick Lane and there they were again, along with some other guy who recognised me from the party – and soon we were all hanging out with our drinks and chatting about cloud computing (yes, I’m serious.). Then yet another character from this geek play entered our arena, and the next thing I knew we were chasing down the street after the elected Pied Piper of our party as he endeavoured via the GPS on his phone to lead us to an Indian kebab house that was so good everyone back in Delhi was raving about it.
As we ventured further and further away from the relative safety of Brick Lane and I became hungrier and hungrier, I began to wonder if the place truly existed. Had I stumbled upon (no pun intended) the geek version of the Manson Family? Was I going to be murdered and dismembered in a Muslim neighbourhood near Aldgate? If so, I could only hope it would be done under strict Halal guidelines. Suddenly I recalled a conversation I’d had earlier that evening with someone who stated that these people (as in tech geeks) shouldn’t be let out on their own. Indeed, the words rang ominously in my ears…
When at last we reached the holy grail, I breathed a sigh of relief. Aside from the fact that I would live to see another day (not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse), it had already gone past 10pm; I’d have eaten pretty much anything by then. Alas, the divine scent of our Mecca was so packed with people waiting for tables that we were told it would be at least an hour’s wait. I stared desperately at the sweets counter, having an hour earlier embarked upon a mad dash to my favourite (past tense) Bengali sweet shop on Brick Lane, only to find the shutters closed. I was NOT happy. It was clear we would have to take our patronage elsewhere.
And that’s how we ended up at the Turkish kebab place across the road from the mosque.
Was it worth it? Yes. However, I think the excitement of being in the company of so many geeks proved too overwhelming for me (I don’t get out much), because I got a bit carried away when, halfway through my ground lamb kebab, I took a bite of an innocuous-looking object on my plate, which turned out to be a chili. The nice young gentleman seated beside me appeared to be on the verge of ringing the fire brigade, but I persevered and downed a hearty gulp of my yogurt drink, attempting to put out the flames. I tell you, I never realised those Turks could be so sneaky!
We’re now planning to make this a regular gig. Furthermore, we might even allow newcomers to join our ranks, providing they can prove their worthiness. It’s been suggested that an initiation ceremony involving the chili should be used to separate the men from the boys. Hmm…. I wonder what Amnesty International would have to say about that?
If you’re a regular Facebook user (yup, I’m on about those guys again!), no doubt you’ve come across the endless barrage of quizzes aimed at pumping up your ego and making you appear to be a far better and far more superior human being than you actually are. Frankly, I’ve had about enough of these nauseating boosts for the ego. Just think, if we had this many wonderful, giving, loving, saintly, selfless people living in this world, it would truly be paradise – and we wouldn’t be in the big fat mess we’re in.
But we all know that we don’t, and it isn’t.
Let’s get real. The developers of these ego-stroking quizzes need to start making these apps more representative of modern-day society, rather than this barf-bag orgy of vomit we’ve been seeing all over the place. I say develop quizzes for REAL people, the people we meet every day, the people we work with, the people we drive on the freeways and motorways with, the people we ride on the subways and buses with, the people we live with or live next door to, the people we give our hearts to and take to our beds to love with.
I’m sure you’re going to accuse me of being a pessimist. Well, I prefer to say I’m a realist. I mean, there’s only so many times you can get kicked in the crotch before you finally wake up and smell the latte.
So here are some examples of the kinds of quizzes I believe more accurately portray the world in which we live (and they’re automatically copyrighted by having been published here, so developers – keep your geeky little hands off!):
♦ Which Kind of Nasty Sociopathic Neighbour Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Jealous Vicious Trouble-Making Best Friend Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Scumbag Cheating Husband/Wife/Boyfriend/Girlfriend Are You?
♦ Which Kind of I-Make-Everybody-Sick Soccer Mom Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Meddling Parent/Inlaw/Relative Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Skanky Trailer-Park Trash Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Lager-Lout Football Hooligan Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Sticky-Fingered Shoplifter Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Deadbeat Insurance Defrauder Are You?
♦ Which Kind of I’m-Too-Lazy-To-Get-Off-My-Fat-Ass Welfare Cheat Are You?
We can also extend this to those employed in specific professions:
♦ Which Kind of Shyster Pad-My-Clients’-Bills Lawyer Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Incompetent Never-Once-Cracked-Open-Gray’s-Anatomy Surgeon Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Crooked Raiding-The-Public-Coffers Politician Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Scamming Madoff-Loving Investment Consultant Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Embezzling Empty-My-Clients’-Pockets Accountant Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Thieving Overpaid/Over-Bonused Banker Are You?
And lastly, for those who hail from, shall we say, the more fringe elements of society:
♦ Which Kind of Fanatical Political Terrorist Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Psychopathic Serial Killer Are You?
♦ Which Kind of Dimwitted Facebook Application Developer Are You?
(Oops………………….)
Please feel free to add more!
Oh, for the good old days when I actually had someone say that to me! Now I’m rarely to be found on Skype. Out of curiosity, however, I ventured on fairly recently, logging on as “Away” just to see who was around. Well, let’s say that I got a lot more than I bargained for.
No sooner did I become visible than my laptop began to ring with that distinctive weirdy spacey Skypey ring – and it’s some strange name not even on my contact list, some guy from Slovakia. Well, I don’t know anyone from Slovakia, or at least not anyone who’s on my Skype. Figuring it to be a “wrong number,” I didn’t answer. The ringing stopped, only to start right up again. I ignored it, though I admit I wondered how this Slav could be getting it wrong twice in a row. The ringing ceased, then again it started back up. Three times unlucky? No way. Clearly someone really wanted to speak to me. Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to plug in my headset and answer… because whoever this Slavic geezer was, he was not going away any time soon.
What next transpired had to be one of the most surreal conversations I’ve ever engaged in – and that includes all the surreal interplanetary ones I had with my former Skype partner. Since I was already logged into Facebook, I decided to update my status message to reflect my current activities, posting comments beneath my update to record for posterity all that was taking place.
Here follows the full Facebook commentary with both my comments and those of my friends (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent):
Mitzi Szereto who in hell is stefan from slovakia and why is he phoning on my skype? who IS this guy?
18 March at 22:47
Mitzi Szereto at 22:49 on 18 March
bardejov, slovakia. WTF???????
i don’t speak bloody slovak. he’s not even on my list.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:50 on 18 March
i’m gonna call him now. so there.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:51 on 18 March
shit he’s calling again.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:51 on 18 March
i am speaking to him now
Dougie Moorehouse at 22:51 on 18 March
at least he isnt a prince from nigeria:)
Mitzi Szereto at 22:52 on 18 March
he is in budapest.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:52 on 18 March
i don’t know this guy.
Wez Whitton at 22:53 on 18 March
that’s scary… skype stalking… that’s something new.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:53 on 18 March
he can hardly speak english.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:55 on 18 March
he found me randomly. just called on skype and got me.
Benjie Levy at 22:56 on 18 March
Chwat zchizz yuur zscname, chbabyiszsch?
Mitzi Szereto at 22:57 on 18 March
he knows my name.
Wez Whitton at 22:57 on 18 March
lol@ Benjie… dat’s funny shitnizsch.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:57 on 18 March
this is hysterical.
Wez Whitton at 22:58 on 18 March
get his number and hand it out to everyone you know with skype and have them randomly call him.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:58 on 18 March
he does quality control for chickens.
Mitzi Szereto at 22:58 on 18 March
this is scary.
Wez Whitton at 22:58 on 18 March
lol@chicken plucker….lol
Wez Whitton at 22:59 on 18 March
dat makes you grade A poultry Mitzi…lol
Mitzi Szereto at 22:59 on 18 March
he also does something with jacuzzis
Mitzi Szereto at 22:59 on 18 March
and meat
Wez Whitton at 23:00 on 18 March
hmmm..chickens…jacuzzis…this is bordering on illegal stuff now…lol
Mitzi Szereto at 23:00 on 18 March
and also fabrics.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:01 on 18 March
he also tests cameras.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:01 on 18 March
he is clearly a busy man.
Roberto Rachet at 23:02 on 18 March
Slovakia, Budapest is bloody Hongaria not Slovakia, and anybody doing quality control for chickens I woudn’t take seriously, but then again you never know.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:03 on 18 March
he has the old skype and likes it. he isn’t so crazy about new skype.
Cat Babinsky at 23:03 on 18 March
Like bees to honey (LOL)!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
i told him to call some chickens.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
he laughs a lot.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
he can’t understand me very well.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
bloody foreigner
Roberto Rachet at 23:04 on 18 March
where does he find time to stalk you!!!!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:05 on 18 March
we got disconnected and i am leaving it that way and not going to pick up. he is ringing again. go away.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:06 on 18 March
he is calling me again. he will not give up.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:07 on 18 March
he cannot even speak english why is he bloody phoning me back?
Murial Fountainhead at 23:07 on 18 March
what language is that?
Roberto Rachet at 23:07 on 18 March
I mean chickens and cameras and jacuzzis and meat and all the rest of the C..P well at least he has shown a good taste in people to stalk
Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
i have such a headache now.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
christ now he is messaging me.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
he is saying he’s sorry he knows i’m busy. lol
Mitzi Szereto at 23:09 on 18 March
what is it with these slavs?
Richie Szabo at 23:09 on 18 March
Roberto what da hell r u talking bout??? Budapest is capital of Hungary. Slovakia is a country which capital is Bratislava and they speak slovak. The Hungarians speak Hungarian obviously. Nd these 2 languages are completely different. Anyway, I wouldn’t take him seriously too.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:12 on 18 March
it’s all weird richie. totally weird. he has a slav name, he is listed on skype as being in slovakia, and he tells me he lives in budapest and does quality control for chickens, cameras, and jacuzzis.
Jeannie Dottie at 23:13 on 18 March
LOL. I needed a laugh so thanks for this – very funny (and thank Gawd I don’t have skippy-skype!) 
)
Dickie Corgan at 23:14 on 18 March
Sounds like a spammer. Block and report him.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:15 on 18 March
spamming what – that he has a million chickens that he needs to send me because he cannot leave budapest?
Mitzi Szereto at 23:16 on 18 March
stefan horniak. lol! surely that name can’t be kosher. HORNIAK? give over mate.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:20 on 18 March
now i got some guy stalking me from plaxo. he’s sending photos to my email. one is with his kid. you can’t be serious.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:23 on 18 March
OMG it’s getting even better. just had an invite sent to my yahoo calendar from roselyn kilpalya, who is a lovely young woman who wants to be loved and she apparently saw my profile and wants a relationship with me. hang on – i’ll paste it here.
Roberto Rachet at 23:23 on 18 March
of course the languages are different I know because I speak both of them an I do know geography as in where is what, but I am curious how do you know that not many here could see the difference.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:23 on 18 March
Nice to meet you, My name is Roselyn,i am tall,slim,fair,and a very good looking girl that loves travelling and dancing, a student,that loves to be loved,i really want to have a good relationship with you after going through your profile i want to find my Love, I am longing to find my soul mate and true love to share all my love and happiness, joy … Read moreand desire and sometimes even sorrow and sadness. kindly permit my contacting you through this medium i am compelled to contact you via this medium for obvious reasons which you will understand when we discuss details of my proposition.Please i will like you to reply to me through my mail address so that we will know each other very well,i am looking forward to your positive confirmation to enable us have an important discussion then we will start from there which will include my introduction,i will send my pictures later. Hoping towards a wonderful lasting friendship with you Thanks and God bless you,
Mitzi Szereto at 23:24 on 18 March
oh boy! could this be the mendiing of my broken heart???
Roberto Rachet at 23:31 on 18 March
oooo lord just dont send any money!!!!!
See how it goes first.
Mitzi Szereto at 23:36 on 18 March
money? lol – what’s that?
Mitzi Szereto at 23:38 on 18 March
hey if she wants to court me she’s got to treat me like a lady. none of this mates kinda shite.
Roberto Rachet at 23:41 on 18 March
Good for you, You go girl!!!!!!!
Roberto Rachet at 23:42 on 18 March
And just in case she says no give her my phone number!
Carla Pretti at 23:45 on 18 March
Mitzi, I find your wall terribly entertaining, I would swap it with an evening out at the cinema and definitely with some ehm… well cooked chicken ) hihihi….. LOL! El desperados are too many on earth to talk about them all, but watch your back from those scams girl because you are far above them!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:46 on 18 March
tell ya what – you can have her. i know already it isn’t going to work.
Carla Pretti at 23:48 on 18 March
As far as you keep it CONFIDENTIAL XXX!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:49 on 18 March
carla, i only live to see the next day in order to entertain everyone on facebook. i realise i have a responsibility to my facebook friends and my own selfish needs and desires are of no consequence.
Carla Pretti at 23:52 on 18 March
Sweet one, but yourself has still to come 1st 99% of the times!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:52 on 18 March
roberto, here is my suitor’s email address. give it a shot.
roselynkikpalya1@yahoo.com
Mitzi Szereto at 23:52 on 18 March
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59Hj7bp38f8
Carla Pretti at 23:56 on 18 March
Ah, ah! Luvd it!
Mitzi Szereto at 23:57 on 18 March
carla dear one, a nice thought, but not entirely realistic. anyway, enough of such talk. when are we going for rose shisha?
Carla Pretti at 23:59 on 18 March
Yeah, we have to arrange. I have not forgotten…
Mitzi Szereto at 00:01 on 19 March
don’t wait too long! i am planning to go to california in a few weeks and will likely be gone for at least a month. x
Carla Pretti at 00:05 on 19 March
OK, will try and get in touch with the 3rd part as well.
Mitzi Szereto at 00:05 on 19 March
excellent. and lebanese food on edgware road. perfection! and if the weather holds out, all the better to sit outside and smoke like a bunch of old arabs just out of mosque. love it!
Carla Pretti at 00:06 on 19 March
LOL!
Mitzi Szereto at 00:10 on 19 March
inshallah.
Mitzi Szereto at 00:11 on 19 March
إن شاء الله
Carla Pretti at 00:11 on 19 March
Lana Rossie at 01:14 on 19 March
don’t kick the slovaks. I have very fond memories of a very fine Slovak…and DAMN, he was fine…
-fin-
I never heard from Mr. Horniak of Slovakia-via-Budapest again. Probably just as well; it would never have worked between us. Not really. I mean, a man who spends his time with chickens? I just can’t see it. I can’t help wondering though if the fact that I’ve not gone back onto Skype since that night might have anything to do with the fact that he’s dumped me…
Oh well…. Another one bites the dust.
If you’re a regular user of social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook, does the following look familiar?
lying in pool of own vomit w/ @parishilton @britneyspears
cottaging in 4 seasons toilets w/ @georgemichael
caught massive dose of clap off @skankypantz
disembowelled outside palo alto starbux by @mansonlvr
I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. No, I’m not talking about the man who done me wrong. I’m talking about this endless twittering, tweeting, and retweeting… So what was wrong with two cans and a string to communicate our news? Andy Warhol must be turning in his Campbell’s Soup can. I doubt even he could have imagined this kind of fifteen minutes of fame.
Hey, don’t get me wrong – I’m all for social networking, I think it’s great and it serves a useful purpose! I admit that I’m totally addicted to it. Just call me a social networking crackhead – if I’m near a computer I’ll be online, even if I’m at someone’s house. I’ve even done it at parties! I’ve stuck myself up on a ton of sites, and now I can update them all via a simple one-stop shop at Ping.fm. However, a lot of this social networking has gotten out of hand. Fine, keep people up to date, but don’t make us want to run out and buy and gun and go postal with it. There’s a huge difference between being informative and being excessive. And baby, the line has been crossed.
Perhaps I didn’t notice it that much before, or at least not until Facebook decided to sneak into Twitter’s back garden and grab their knickers from off the clothesline. Hello Mark? Does your “new” newsfeed not look just a wee bit familiar? Where’s that innovative Silicon Valley spirit? Or did it go careening off a cliff on a mountain bike? They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Frankly, I’m not buying it.
I admit that I try to exercise a reasonable amount of restraint when it comes to my own status updates. But how few are too few and how many are too many? That is the question, Hamlet, and it’s a bloody hard one to answer. Of course I want people to see my name, get involved in what I’m doing, follow my little exploits, be they mundane or exciting. Yet I’m also very aware of how I myself react when I see the same people continually posting, and I mean posting like a machine gun – rat-tat-tat-tat-tat – one after the other, like those butch Italian cowboys being shot down in a Spaghetti Western when you know there can’t possibly be any more bullets left in the gun. I mean, it’s not like these folk actually need to keep updating and updating. Often you’ll find the updates are nearly identical. They remind me of a student I taught in a university creative writing module who stubbornly refused to engage with the process of redrafting and thought she could get away with changing a couple of words here and there.
As for this ad nauseum updating business, I know several users who have deleted other users from their Twitter and Facebook accounts – and I’m talking very high-profile users (many even of celebrity status) whose updates were getting to the point of either being analogous to spamming or making everyone ill. Do they not realise how annoying this is? If you’re losing followers on Twitter or friends on Facebook, then maybe it’s time to acknowledge that your social networking methodology might be backfiring. Granted, you don’t have to be high-profile to spiral into overkill.
Can you imagine if we had Count Dracula constantly updating his status? (It would likely be at night, unless he was inside his coffin during the day sending tweets from his mobile phone.) It would probably go something like this:
chowing down flies w/ @renfield
taking a bloodbath w/ @dracsbride
hiking in carpathians w/ @jharker
debating wooden stakes v silver bullets w/ @vanhelsing
I’ve now reached the point where I’ll comment on people’s updates just to wind them up. In fact, I recently engaged in a bit of a Facebook fracas with a gentleman who was attending a convention (I won’t say which convention, though you might be able to guess). He kept updating his status every few seconds – yes, I am serious: SECONDS, so I thought I’d tease him about it, interjecting little jests under his various updates, hoping he might come to realise just how ridiculous this was getting. Alas, the point of my repartee was completely lost on the fellow, and finally I could take no more. I said, “hey, if you want to see some updates that are actually entertaining, take a look at my page.” And do you know what he replied? “Oh, I don’t really have time to look at other people’s updates.” Umm… excuse me? Needless to say, I clicked that little X alongside his updates, opting for one less nuisance in my busy social networking life. Hey, if I have to read your updates, it’s only fair you read mine, right?
Now before you hardcore updaters drag me off to the stake to be burned, realise that all I’m saying is this: before you update your status for the gazillionth time, ask yourself the following:
1. Do I really need to update when I just updated a minute ago?
2. Is it absolutely necessary when I’ve pretty much said the exact same shit in my previous update?
3. Will anyone be remotely pleased to see my update or will they pray that lightning strikes me dead?
I think you know the answer.
(By the way, it’s @mitziszereto in case you want to follow me on Twitter! xxx)
“I have to go on Facebook to find out you’re sick???”
Throw in an “oy vey” and yup, we’ve got mega Jewish Mother Syndrome at work here. (I knew there was an explanation for all those food parcels containing Manischewitz Matzo Ball Soup Mix.) This is pretty much typical of what I get on a daily basis from South Florida. Oh, the joys of social networking sites! Not only does the entire universe know your business (including stalkers, potential stalkers, serial killers and hapless suitors), but you get your mama nosing around to see what you’re up to. Not that I’m ever up to much of anything, but…
I actually posted a status update saying that I wished my mother would stop spying on my Facebook. And guess who saw it? Yeah, my mother. Just as I knew she would, which is why I posted the status update in the first place. It only took a few minutes and there she was, posting a maternal retort on my page, saying “you thought I wouldn’t see that?”. Well, of course I thought she’d see it. That was the whole point!
It’s all my fault. I’m the one who turned her onto Facebook. I’m no better than a schoolyard dope peddler. (“Hey kid, wanna get high?”) And what do you think mummy dearest does to thank me for my social networking kindless and generosity? Steal my friends. Not only that, she donates a bunch of her friends to me as if I’m some Facebook Johnny No Mates (hell, I’m almost at the 5,000 friends limit!), only to later ask who’s that crazy Hungarian woman who keeps poking her or who’s that lad in Moscow who wrote on my wall? – to which I have to remind her that SHE was the one who gave these people to ME! And if that’s not enough, I’ve even seen several of my friends go over to her camp. Then when I ask her about it, she goes all innocent and claims they sent friend requests and since she saw they knew me she accepted their add. Hmmm…
I’m now wondering if it’s only a coincidence that she got bounced off Facebook at the exact same time I did a few months back. That was when the site was changing over to their new security system, resulting in disaster for a number of users, myself included. Between the two of us (and a slew of Facebook friends I’d recruited for this purpose) we were launching email tirades at every Facebook employee we could find to get our profiles back up and running again. I’m sure there are photos of us on the walls of their Palo Alto headquarters that have been made into dartboards. In fact, I’ve heard Mark Zuckerberg‘s got a full-length one of me in his office – and I won’t even tell you where he aims his darts. (Let’s just say that if I ever do another volume of Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers, he won’t be one of the legendary lovers.)
As for my mother and her keen interest in my Facebook goings-on, I’m certain I’ll catch hell for this blog post, but in the words of former Prime Minister John Major, “Get your tractor off my lawn!”
♥♥♥
Seriously, you have GOT to play this video: http://www.youtube.com
And give this one a listen too: http://www.youtube.com
