Errant Ramblings: Mitzi Szereto’s Weblog

Check out my latest interview at Eden Fantasys, where I discuss writing, blogging, Mitzi TV, erotica, my new book In Sleeping Beauty’s Bed: Erotic Fairy Tales, the publishing business and, of course, being a social media maven! There’s even some advice for aspiring writers.

“Mitzi Szereto is best known for writing which mixes classical elements with current trends. How does combining the past with the present inspire Mitzi’s creative process? How does she see the erotic genre evolving in the future?”

Click here for full text of the interview.

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Spring is on our doorstep, flowers are bursting into bloom, the sun is shining (at least some of the time); those heavy winter coats can finally be put away. A long holiday weekend is on the horizon – the Easter Bank Holiday weekend, which starts on Good Friday and runs through Bank Holiday Monday. Plenty to do, lots of places to go. A perfect time for some Erotic Travel Tales, if you’ve a mind to book a trip out of town.

Well, just try to bloody get anywhere!

The sadistic stooges who run the public transportation system here in Great Britain (and, more specifically, its overcrowded capital London) prefer to hold many of us hostage in our homes rather than allow us to actually go anywhere and maybe, just maybe, derive a few minutes of enjoyment from this bleak joke we call “Life”. Oh, they may not wear balaclavas, but they’re as mean and unscrupulous as any band of hostage-takers you’re ever likely to encounter. Who needs the IRA or Al Kaida when we have these railway charmers in our midst? Foolish little me for making plans for Good Friday for what sounded like a fun night out in Brick Lane consisting of several live bands plus some rather interesting-sounding beer. Easter Sunday held the promise of a cracking good Sunday roast lunch at a city pub with a bunch of American expats, no doubt followed by still more pubs and invariably a discussion of British immigration policies and teeth.

And I was really looking forward to it too.

Well baby, it ain’t gonna happen. Why? Because this weekend is going to be chock full of engineering work on the rail lines, including those of the London Underground. Weekends are usually fraught with this sort of thing at various locations throughout Greater London and beyond, but when it comes to bank holiday weekends, they really get out the big guns. Now it isn’t completely impossible to get where I need to go, but when the routing takes on all the proportions of a clandestine attack on a major world leader, it’s time to call it a day. Both events I’d planned to attend take place in the city, near London Liverpool Street station – generally an easy commute by train, 35 minutes or so. Not this weekend, however. The trains from where I live will not be running past a certain point, meaning I cannot get to either Liverpool Street station or Stratford East London (where I could catch the tube). If I were to even attempt such a journey, I’d end up on some convoluted acid-trip of a route which would take more than two hours one way for what should only be a half hour. And let’s not even talk about whether I’d be able to make it home at night.

Fine, I’m resourceful; I figured I’d be creative and find another way that, although inconvenient, would not be quite as inconvenient as what the National Rail website was proposing I do: I’d get off the train at Romford and change to the Romford to Upminster line, then catch the District line tube from there into the city and directly to Aldgate East – perfect and right where I needed to be! Not the most convenient or ideal routing, but do-able. Well, the District line at Upminster also isn’t running, thereby cutting off yet another large sector of the population from the city. I wasn’t beaten yet though. The C2C train goes from Upminster into the city – so I could still get that train from Romford to Upminster, then catch the C2C and get off at West Ham, where I’d catch the District line to Aldgate East. Hey, not so fast, madam! The Romford to Upminster line isn’t running at all, and what should normally be a short hop on this particular line would now take nearly two hours via, of all places, Southend (no wonder the National Rail website had an ad for the local Holiday Inn posted right above the train routes). And this time frame doesn’t even factor in the other legs of the journey.

Looks like I’m not going anywhere. This reminds me of those deadly virus movies where they isolate whole segments of the population so they don’t spread the disease and infect others. Seems like a hell of a lot of people from the Eastern edge of the capital out past the M25 will be stuck at home this Easter weekend – or not going anywhere near London anyway.

I find it interesting that many third-world countries manage to maintain, upgrade, and expand their rail systems without causing serious disruption to its residents, so why can’t Great Britain? As for our European neighbours, I can’t imagine the French, Spaniards, Greeks or Russians putting up with this crap. There would be rioting in the streets, politicians would be hung from the branches of trees and publicly neutered with a dull knife. Over here in Blighty they only seem to get the fighting spirit when their football team has lost – or, for that matter, won. Sure people may moan a bit, but then they go have a cup of tea, and the rail fares continue to spiral upwards for what has become an increasingly eroded level of service.

But don’t worry, be happy! The Olympics are coming to London, and those of us who live east of the city will be made to suffer even more than we already do just so the tourists who come here to spend their money can enjoy a state-of-the-art British public transportation system (now if that isn’t an oxymoron I don’t know what is) – with nice places to wait out of the cold and wind (been to the train platforms at Stratford lately? Perfect for catching pneumonia!), and nice shiny trains that aren’t reeking with the stench of greasy chips, or littered with the gnawed-over remnants of fast food, empty beer bottles and ripped-open condom packets (I don’t even want to think about where the contents of said packets have ended up).

I don’t know about you, but I wish to make a complaint! http://www.youtube.com

They don’t call this country “Blighty” for nothing. It seems like everyone’s always ailing around here, especially me. I get shot of one malady, only to have another swoop down and carry me off in its germy clutches. In the past few weeks I’ve been hit by a cold, followed by what may or may not have been food poisoning, followed by bronchitis (with severe laryngitis) combined with a head cold (that’s still going on). I average something every four weeks now, except for the summers, when I get time off for good behaviour. I shudder to think what would happen if I was forced to join the daily commute in and out of London with millions of germy commuters hacking and coughing and sneezing their way through the morning and evening rush hour. Frankly, I’m beginning to think the plague was never fully eliminated from Britain.

Some time back I was out for an evening in Blackheath with a bunch of Cockneys (I do seem to know a lot of Cockneys, don’t I?) and I was given a most interesting history lesson. Apparently the heath itself – which is a green space situated between some of Blackheath’s village streets – can never be built on. Now let me say to those blissful in their ignorance, the heath itself is one hell of a nice piece of real estate… until you hear that there are plague victims buried there. Oh, sure, there are mixed reports on all this, but when was the last time you saw anyone spending a Sunday afternoon on the heath with a bucket and spade? I mean, would you let your children play there? Er, well… providing you actually LIKE your children, that is.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not blaming Blackheath specifically for my maladies! I guess if I were to place the blame on any one particular location, I’d probably have to opt for Eyam, the famous plague village in the Derbyshire Dales, since I’d been there way before I’d ever stepped foot in Blackheath. When I lived in the dreaded north (by that I mean Sheffield, home of the Arctic Monkeys, Sean Bean, and assorted bits of steel cutlery), I spent quite a lot of my free time in Derbyshire, hiking about in The Peak District, only to end up in some wonderful country pub afterward (that really was the whole point of the exercise, if I’m honest!). If you want to know of a good pub in the Peaks, just ask – I know them all. There were very few Sunday afternoons when you wouldn’t find me at some cosy country pub with a pint and a plate of some tasty pub grub. No frozen rubbish there. The food was fresh and often bordering on gastro-cuisine, and there was always room for sticky toffee pudding. One tends to work up an appetite hiking and climbing and teetering about on cliffs, believe me.

I’ve had some very enjoyable experiences in the Peaks. In fact, I’ve even taken some literary inspiration from the area via my short story Bakewell, Revisited originally published in Erotic Travel Tales 2. It’s set in the market town of Bakewell and involves its most famous celebrity: the absolutely divine Bakewell Pudding. Mind you, I’m not entirely certain the Bakewell Pudding’s founding fathers (or mothers) had envisioned quite the scenario I’d conjured up for my story, but…

Anyway, let’s get back to those Peak District jaunts before I get myself into trouble here. I tell you, you haven’t lived till you’ve been right in there among the heather when it’s in its full purple glory. Oh yeah, you’ll have plenty of company buzzing about too, which can be a bit of a challenge. I’d already had some nasty run-ins with wasps on a remote mountaintop in the Greek islands (Epinephine anyone?), so their English cousins were not exactly winning me over – especially when one of the cheeky buggers got up my skirt. And honey, I mean WAY up my skirt. Let’s just say this could have been a la petite mort that would have truly been mort.

I’d probably have to say that one of the absolute highlights of my time there (the Peaks, not Greece) was when I was out one Sunday afternoon with my walking/hiking mate Liz and a couple who were visiting her from France. After a scenic drive, we partook of a brief walking tour of duty along a hilly country lane, which wound past a farm full of sheep bleating and whatever else it is sheep get up to. Indeed, our Frenchman was so inspired by this pastoral English setting that he burst into song, serenading these farm residents with the Edith Piaf classic “La Vie En Rose”. (Oddly, there was no applause when he finished.) We then trudged our way back up the hill to the pub, whereupon he ordered the lamb for dinner. I never quite forgave him for that.

Meanwhile, back to the plague. The crazy thing is, I was never ill this often when I lived in Sheffield – and that hilly city is far colder and much windier than The Big Smoke by a long shot. Perhaps those salt-of-the-earth Yorkshire folk are hardier and not as prone to germs as these spoiled Southerners are – after all, they come from steel mill and coal pit stock. Now I’m not saying the dreaded lurgy never sank its talons into the locals, but I don’t recall anything quite to the extent of what I’m experiencing here. Mind you, it could just be me. In fact, I’m certain of it.

I wonder if someone’s trying to tell me something. Is that a voice in my ear, whispering “Come to California! Come to California!”?

Nah. Guess I must’ve imagined it.

Mitzi Szereto tucks into a deep-fried Mars bar

Glasgow. It evokes images of Trainspotting, Inspector Taggart, and heroin addicts. In fact, Glasgow has the highest number of heroin addicts in the United Kingdom. So what better place for me to spend a cold, rainy and windy Sunday afternoon in October?

Nah, I wasn’t skulking down some back alleyway in pursuit of a fix. However, I WAS skulking down the city streets in pursuit of something else: the infamous deep-fried Mars Bar. Yes, you heard it here first – they actually deep fry Mars Bars! Hard to believe, eh? Mind you, the Scots aren’t always known for having the most healthful of diets. Or at least not the Glaswegians. As someone who’s addicted to Walkers salt and vinegar crisps, I’m not going to cast any stones here.

My mate Ben (who’s technically from Kent, not Scotland) and his girlfriend Bex (who’s technically from Scotland not Kent) had never partaken of this fine delicacy – nor had I, for that matter (Scotland isn’t just famous for its beautiful landscape, you know!), so off we headed to Glasgow city centre, certain we’d have our pick of deep-fried Mars Bars establishments. Just to be on the safe side, Ben and Bex texted a slew of their Glaswegian friends, asking if they knew where we could make a score. Of the few replies that came in, most were downright offended by the query. It appeared we were on our own.

We wandered up and down in the wind and rain, our hopes dwindling by the minute as we encountered pretty much everything (including a woman peddling The Big Issue in song to what I vaguely recognised as a popular show tune) – everything but a place to get this treat. Hunger was overtaking us, but we persevered, opting to parlay what was supposed to be a late lunch into an early dinner. We (or at least I) had to have a deep-fried Mars Bar – and it was now a matter of life or death! Not wanting to disappoint his guest (ie me), Ben popped into a newsagents and bought a couple of Mars Bars. To be honest, I felt really let down; I thought he was going to fob off some boring uncooked Mars Bar on me to shut me up. I expected better, considering the incredible amount of hospitality and care I’d been receiving from him all weekend. I mean, this was the very same bloke who had a supply of Fruili beer in the fridge just for me, not to mention a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream for Teddy – the very same bloke who’d been cooking up some first-class meals for dinner and always making sure I had a cup of tea first thing in the morning.

I tried to hide my disappointment and loped along, angling my yellow umbrella so it wouldn’t be flipped inside out by the wind. Ben passed the two Mars Bars over to Bex in a rather covert fashion, whereupon she took off on a high-speed chase, with Ben and I struggling to keep up. The next thing I knew she’d dashed into an Italian chippie, leaving us stranded outside in the rain with matching expressions of befuddlement. I assumed the woman was buying an order of chips to tide herself over till our delayed dinner. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Bex had a plan. And it concerned the Mars Bars.

Within moments she began to gesticulate at us wildly. We went inside to find out what she was on about, only to see her being handed a styrofoam container with what looked like two pieces of battered cod in it. Once again I felt let down. I wanted my deep-fried Mars Bar, and here Bex was palming off some lousy greasy fried fish on me. It was all becoming too much – the wind, the rain… and not a deep-fried Mars Bar in sight. Then suddenly it dawned on me. This was no order of fish and chips, this was the Holy Grail! Apparently she’d charmed the fryer at the Italian chippie into frying up the Mars Bars – and at no charge.

Off we went back out into the rain and wind, with me wondering when I’d finally get to eat one of the damned things, especially since Ben seemed to be holding the container a wee bit too possessively for my taste – and at this point I didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. We ended up getting a reprieve from the rain outside the entrance to the Gallery of Modern Art, where at last we bit into our treasures, all of us expecting to be thoroughly disgusted. Au contraire! I was quite impressed. In fact, I’d eat one again right now if I could. Ben and Bex shared theirs, and I’ll admit to eyeing it greedily in hopes they wouldn’t finish it.

Since we were already at the Gallery, we decided to go in to get a break from the weather. At least it was free and dry and we were able to regain our energy for what was promised to be an authentic Scottish meal. And what better place for an authentic Scottish meal than an authentic Irish pub replete with authentic Irish fiddlers playing in a back room and a surly authentic Scottish waiter who ignored all the patrons? Of course being an authentic Irish pub they were out of Irish stew. I didn’t care, since I ordered a plate of haggis, tatties, and neeps in whiskey gravy (though I didn’t get a buzz off it). I also stole some black pudding off Bex, and it proved to be surprisingly tasty, unlike a nasty version of the stuff I’d once tried in the Lake District. A pint of McEwan’s took away the pain of life and left me a tad glassy-eyed, therefore I considered having another, except I knew I’d end up needing the loo.

At this point I’m not entirely sure whether I should write an erotic tale about Glasgow, if I end up doing a fourth volume of my Erotic Travel Tales anthologies. I might need to return for another of those deep-fried Mars Bars and see if inspiration hits!