Errant Ramblings: Mitzi Szereto’s Weblog

My Dear Mitzi,

Were it in my humble ability to express to you all that dwells in my heart…  Should you choose to accept my love and accept me into your life, I shall be rich beyond my wildest imaginings! Dare I ask you to be so generous as to consider the joys such a union would bring?

My Dear Mr. Yoog,

Whilst I appreciate your keen devotion to me, I must hereby inform you that my heart shall never belong to you. Although I admire your persistence, I fear, sir, it is a persistence that eats away at me like a pestilence. Your attentions were neither sought nor solicited, nor are they the least bit desired. Therefore I besiege you to kindly desist from darkening my doorstep.

My Darling Girl,

Oh, such harsh words you fling at me! Surely they are not warranted? What dire deed have I committed to deserve such scathing punishment from your sweet lips? Indeed, I merely sought your attentions! I am an honourable suitor. Pray, do not heed the slander being perpetrated by such sinister characters who seek to besmirch the good name of “Yoog”!

Sir,

Your reputation is of a highly unsavoury nature and, indeed, very well deserved, were I to believe the wealth of evidence against you – which I do! Can such a tide of protestations with regard to your questionable attentions be mere fabrication? I fear not. Ergo I shall put forth my request once more: kindly cease posthaste from forcing your attentions upon my person, lest I set the dogs on you!

My Fragrant Flower,

How it pains me to be the victim of such feminine callousness! I have only sought your love, and my intentions are wholly honourable. Is this a crime? I know that you are in possession of a tender heart. Is it so impossible to provide a place for me within it? I am first and foremost a gentleman. Perhaps I err in the enthusiasm of my passions, but rest assured that I am faithful in my quest to win your hand.

Mr. Yoog,

Faithful? Sir, if such fidelity extends to the hands of many, it is a fidelity I do not seek! I cannot speak any more plainly than I already have. Despite my most valiant efforts to rid myself of your noisome presence, you stubbornly persist in following me about. You are a clever villain, indeed. For within moments of my removing you from one location you suddenly reappear in another. Not even the counsel of the most sage of experts can provide me with relief. You are driving me to despair!

Dearest Treasure,

Open your arms and take me to your bosom! Let us both partake of the happiness and joy I offer. Prithee, do not fight me, for I shan’t go away!

Yoog,

I shall fight you with every breath I have! If I must destroy everything in the process, so be it, but be rid of you I shall!

My Lovely One,

Your spirit is admirable, my dear lady, yet it is no match for Yoog! For as you have already acknowledged, I am clever – far more clever than any mere woman! Abandon your struggle before it is too late, and the destruction you make reference to shall truly come to pass.

C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have tried my patience long enough. Upon your head be it!

My Good Woman,

Do your worst!

C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shall, indeed, do my worst. I have spied you hiding in my preferences file. Oh yes, you are clever, for no sooner do I remove you and replace you with your nemesis Mr. Google than you reappear yet again. I now see that more stringent measures are called for.

Madam,

Surely you do not mean -

Sir,

I do.

My Beloved,

No.

Accursed One,

Yes. I am deleting my preferences file. I am deleting my user file and my cookies file as well, just to make certain you are not lurking there. I shall empty my trash, reboot, then reinstall my browser. Therefore goodbye and farewell, Mr. Yoog. You have imposed upon my good nature for far too long already, you impertinent swine!

Mitzi Szereto with the KebabCampers

“The best startup in town, we don’t make anything, we just eat.”

Google Schmoogle. Who needs Larry Page or Sergey Brin?

Yeah, I know, everyone’s an entrepreneur. And everyone’s got a startup – from your crazy Uncle Jack who’s always grabbing the breasts of strange women to your potty old Aunt Tillie from Temecula. Hell, even your cousin Ernie with that twitching left eye and the embarrassing case of Tourette’s fancies himself as the next Jeff Bezos. Oh, and let’s not forget all those socially inept internet geeks with Asperger’s (a word of advice, ladies: don’t ever get into a relationship with one of these guys! If you’re not sure who they are, just think Mr. Spock).

In Silicon Valley alone you’ll find yourself tripping over the number of people doing startups, and let’s not forget their little brother on the East Coast, Silicon Alley. Frankly, I’m surprised there are this many things to actually START UP. Admittedly, London is lagging a bit behind its Yankee relatives, but hey, we’re catching up! Of course not every startup king (or queen) has a cunning master plan, but not to worry. If they don’t, they’ll most assuredly have a team all set to go… providing they ever come up with that startup idea they hope will set fire to the world (or, at the very least, set fire to their garage “headquarters” when things go down the pan). I believe this is known in the business as “an escape plan” – ie start up, then get the hell out!

Therefore not to be outdone, here is yet one more startup to add to the fray: KebabCamp. And I’m damned proud to be a founding member of the team.

We don’t need fancy offices in Canary Wharf or some “campus” in Palo Alto full of tykes playing Hide and Seek or frolicking in sandboxes. (Err, wait – that’s for the employees, not their kids!). And we don’t need some grungy garage either. Hell, we don’t even need a business plan! You won’t hear us bandying about terms like “Venture Capitalist” and “Angel Investor” and “Seed Money“. Who needs capitalists and angels and seeds when you’ve got a nice juicy kebab staring you in the face? Nah, we’re above all that stuff.

We hold our meetings over an orgy of food in a Tower Hamlets‘ kebab house. No, I won’t tell you which one, since it’s a bitch to get a table there even if you’ve booked. Mind you, I’m sure we’ll have an easier time of it in future, since last time we were there one of the waiters kept taking a perverse delight in brushing against me whenever we passed one another. (Is that a gun in your pocket…) But hey, if it gets us better service, who am I to complain? I’ve made sacrifices before – what’s one more?

When our team isn’t out kebabing in the East End, we’ll be busy Skypeing, since everyone knows that any startup worth its weight in bootstraps holds meetings on Skype. You’ll find us online day and night, 24/7, rain or shine. No one sleeps. Who has time for sleep when you’ve got a startup to start up? From various locations in and around London, there we’ll be: eyes and fingertips glued to our computers, an ethernet cable stuck up our arses, because baby, we mean business! If things go well, we might even launch an IPO.

So keep an eye out, because KebabCamp may be coming to a ticker tape near you!