Yours truly (that’s me!) recently took some time out to chat with journalist Michael Casey at a local Essex watering hole about my new entrepreneurial Internet television venture Mitzi TV – its origins, its direction, and its future, as well as the business of books, blogging, and social media.
Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV "Prowling For Eels" video shoot
…It’s Mitzi TV!
And just what did you think it was, a man with three buttocks?
In case you didn’t already know (like where you been, mate?), Mitzi TV is the new web TV channel to head to for all things quirky and eccentric in London. We’ve gone from crazy pub singalongs, eating jellied eel, and chatting about classic cars with such luminaries as Formula 1 racecar driver/BBC TV presenter Tiff Needell, couture shoe designer Jimmy Choo and Batman – to Morris dancing with software geeks. And no, this wasn’t in the same episode!
Of course, I couldn’t create all this madness and mayhem without the talents of cameraman extraordinaire/stand-up diamond geezah Steve Beer and cutie-pie theme musicman extraordinaire Andrew Shatnyy (Facebook/MySpace). And let’s not forget the talents of my handsome (albeit furry) production assistant extraordinaire Teddy Tedaloo, who also provides onscreen talent.
As for those buttocks I mentioned, how do you deal with a governmental body that has all the common sense of not even one buttock?
In my never-ending quest to bring you the ever-quirky and eccentric (while still managing to stay out of the loony bin), I recently found myself entering into a rather annoying fracas with a governmental body: the Royal Parks people. I knew I should’ve cut through all those buzzing drones and biscuit-eating/tea drinking middle men (and women) and gone straight to the top, specifically HRH. Now Lizzie’s a queen who gets things done!
I am referring to a recent attempt by yours truly to line up permission to shoot a Mitzi TV video at Speaker’s Corner in London’s Hyde Park. Because it’s a “Royal” park, I knew I’d need to obtain an official okay. I mean, it wasn’t like we’d be there with a little digital camera and could subtly blend into the crowd. We run a professional operation with professional equipment. (Plus people have commented on that big-ass mike I use, so “subtle” is not the word that springs to mind when we’re talking a Mitzi TV shoot.) Since Speaker’s Corner necessitates a substantial police presence (some of the speakers and audience members can get pretty wound up apparently), I didn’t fancy being led away by the Old Bill, therefore I decided to follow the proper channels to make the shoot happen. It’s a quirky kind of event, and Mitzi TV is nothing if not quirky, so it didn’t seem likely I’d be given an “on yer bike, missus!”.
When I received an email replying to my query, I thought, hey, this is great – sounds like we’re in! Here follows the exact text that refers directly to the issue about who and what controls the area in question:
Speaker’s Corner is an integral part of Hyde Park, which is one of London’s eight Royal Parks. The Royal Parks are owned by the Crown, but were passed to the Government under the Crown Lands Act 1851 to be managed as public open space. They are now the responsibility of the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, who delegates their day to day management to The Royal Parks. They are funded by the taxpayer.
Teddy Tedaloo in Mitzi TV video opener
“Public open space.” “Funded by the taxpayer.” Well, I’m no lawyer, but this sounds like the definition of a public place – and you do not need permission to film in a public place (not yet anyway). That is why it’s called “PUBLIC.” That statement about being funded by the taxpayer put a further stamp of approval on the process, because guess who’s a taxpayer? Yeah, moi. Just to make certain there was no misinterpretation on my part as to what clearly looked to be a clear description of who controls the park, I messaged once more to confirm that I’d be allowed to shoot some video of the speakers, and asked which specific days they were there spouting off.
The reply came back that these Soapbox Annies and Alis are there on Sundays only, and yes, I would need permission to film, but my message was being forwarded to the Appropriate Party. Not wanting to waste time, I shot off an email to this A.P., explaining what I wished to do and that I’d like to take care of the details as quickly as possible. A.P. messaged back, informing me that they do not permit filming at Speaker’s Corner on Sundays, but I could phone them to discuss the matter further.
Umm… did they not just tell me that I couldn’t film there on a Sunday? So what was there to discuss, the weather? Of course we all know how the Brits love to talk about the weather.
So did this mean they’d give me permission to film at Speaker’s Corner on a day that was not a Sunday? Now forgive me if I’m wrong (or extremely stupid), but what’s the point of filming speakers at Speaker’s Corner when there aren’t any speakers there to film? This is the very question I put forth to A.P. in my reply, also mentioning the fact that plenty of people have shot videos there – how could this be possible if they needed to obtain permission? Needless to say, my email did not receive a response.
Mitzi Szereto at Mitzi TV "Baby You Can Drive My Car" video shoot
Now I have nothing against doing a bit of guerrilla filming – I’ve got more cajones than any of the men I’ve known. However, what I do have something against is being harassed (and led away by handcuffs) by the police. There’s a time and place for handcuffs – and this isn’t one of them. Besides which, London coppers aren’t as cute as they used to be. They’re getting a bit wide, if you know what I mean, looking more and more like their doughnut-eating American counterparts. So we’d better forget the handcuffs for now.
As for Mitzi TV, keep an eye out for me at Speaker’s Corner, because I don’t like taking “no” for an answer.
Guess it’s a good thing they abolished beheading in this country…
MITZI TV
An entire hour of talk on subjects ranging from the internet, world travel, culture shock, life as an expat, fairy tales, erotic writing, Las Vegas, British drinking habits, English football, blogging, sex, and Mitzi TV! (Originally broadcast on 4 August 2009 on the “Sin City Sessions” programme with Marq Piocos, BlogTalkRadio).
Click here to listen now: BlogTalkRadio Interview
A chat about my grand passion the internet, along with email etiquette, social networking, geekdom, and all things Mitzi TV; (broadcast on 4 August 2009, the Dave Monk programme, BBC Radio Essex).
Click here to listen now: BBC Radio Interview
My Dear Mitzi,
Were it in my humble ability to express to you all that dwells in my heart… Should you choose to accept my love and accept me into your life, I shall be rich beyond my wildest imaginings! Dare I ask you to be so generous as to consider the joys such a union would bring?
My Dear Mr. Yoog,
Whilst I appreciate your keen devotion to me, I must hereby inform you that my heart shall never belong to you. Although I admire your persistence, I fear, sir, it is a persistence that eats away at me like a pestilence. Your attentions were neither sought nor solicited, nor are they the least bit desired. Therefore I besiege you to kindly desist from darkening my doorstep.
My Darling Girl,
Oh, such harsh words you fling at me! Surely they are not warranted? What dire deed have I committed to deserve such scathing punishment from your sweet lips? Indeed, I merely sought your attentions! I am an honourable suitor. Pray, do not heed the slander being perpetrated by such sinister characters who seek to besmirch the good name of “Yoog”!
Sir,
Your reputation is of a highly unsavoury nature and, indeed, very well deserved, were I to believe the wealth of evidence against you – which I do! Can such a tide of protestations with regard to your questionable attentions be mere fabrication? I fear not. Ergo I shall put forth my request once more: kindly cease posthaste from forcing your attentions upon my person, lest I set the dogs on you!
My Fragrant Flower,
How it pains me to be the victim of such feminine callousness! I have only sought your love, and my intentions are wholly honourable. Is this a crime? I know that you are in possession of a tender heart. Is it so impossible to provide a place for me within it? I am first and foremost a gentleman. Perhaps I err in the enthusiasm of my passions, but rest assured that I am faithful in my quest to win your hand.
Mr. Yoog,
Faithful? Sir, if such fidelity extends to the hands of many, it is a fidelity I do not seek! I cannot speak any more plainly than I already have. Despite my most valiant efforts to rid myself of your noisome presence, you stubbornly persist in following me about. You are a clever villain, indeed. For within moments of my removing you from one location you suddenly reappear in another. Not even the counsel of the most sage of experts can provide me with relief. You are driving me to despair!
Dearest Treasure,
Open your arms and take me to your bosom! Let us both partake of the happiness and joy I offer. Prithee, do not fight me, for I shan’t go away!
Yoog,
I shall fight you with every breath I have! If I must destroy everything in the process, so be it, but be rid of you I shall!
My Lovely One,
Your spirit is admirable, my dear lady, yet it is no match for Yoog! For as you have already acknowledged, I am clever – far more clever than any mere woman! Abandon your struggle before it is too late, and the destruction you make reference to shall truly come to pass.
C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have tried my patience long enough. Upon your head be it!
My Good Woman,
Do your worst!
C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shall, indeed, do my worst. I have spied you hiding in my preferences file. Oh yes, you are clever, for no sooner do I remove you and replace you with your nemesis Mr. Google than you reappear yet again. I now see that more stringent measures are called for.
Madam,
Surely you do not mean -
Sir,
I do.
My Beloved,
No.
Accursed One,
Yes. I am deleting my preferences file. I am deleting my user file and my cookies file as well, just to make certain you are not lurking there. I shall empty my trash, reboot, then reinstall my browser. Therefore goodbye and farewell, Mr. Yoog. You have imposed upon my good nature for far too long already, you impertinent swine!
“The best startup in town, we don’t make anything, we just eat.”
Google Schmoogle. Who needs Larry Page or Sergey Brin?
Yeah, I know, everyone’s an entrepreneur. And everyone’s got a startup – from your crazy Uncle Jack who’s always grabbing the breasts of strange women to your potty old Aunt Tillie from Temecula. Hell, even your cousin Ernie with that twitching left eye and the embarrassing case of Tourette’s fancies himself as the next Jeff Bezos. Oh, and let’s not forget all those socially inept internet geeks with Asperger’s (a word of advice, ladies: don’t ever get into a relationship with one of these guys! If you’re not sure who they are, just think Mr. Spock).
In Silicon Valley alone you’ll find yourself tripping over the number of people doing startups, and let’s not forget their little brother on the East Coast, Silicon Alley. Frankly, I’m surprised there are this many things to actually START UP. Admittedly, London is lagging a bit behind its Yankee relatives, but hey, we’re catching up! Of course not every startup king (or queen) has a cunning master plan, but not to worry. If they don’t, they’ll most assuredly have a team all set to go… providing they ever come up with that startup idea they hope will set fire to the world (or, at the very least, set fire to their garage “headquarters” when things go down the pan). I believe this is known in the business as “an escape plan” – ie start up, then get the hell out!
Therefore not to be outdone, here is yet one more startup to add to the fray: KebabCamp. And I’m damned proud to be a founding member of the team.
We don’t need fancy offices in Canary Wharf or some “campus” in Palo Alto full of tykes playing Hide and Seek or frolicking in sandboxes. (Err, wait – that’s for the employees, not their kids!). And we don’t need some grungy garage either. Hell, we don’t even need a business plan! You won’t hear us bandying about terms like “Venture Capitalist” and “Angel Investor” and “Seed Money“. Who needs capitalists and angels and seeds when you’ve got a nice juicy kebab staring you in the face? Nah, we’re above all that stuff.
We hold our meetings over an orgy of food in a Tower Hamlets‘ kebab house. No, I won’t tell you which one, since it’s a bitch to get a table there even if you’ve booked. Mind you, I’m sure we’ll have an easier time of it in future, since last time we were there one of the waiters kept taking a perverse delight in brushing against me whenever we passed one another. (Is that a gun in your pocket…) But hey, if it gets us better service, who am I to complain? I’ve made sacrifices before – what’s one more?
When our team isn’t out kebabing in the East End, we’ll be busy Skypeing, since everyone knows that any startup worth its weight in bootstraps holds meetings on Skype. You’ll find us online day and night, 24/7, rain or shine. No one sleeps. Who has time for sleep when you’ve got a startup to start up? From various locations in and around London, there we’ll be: eyes and fingertips glued to our computers, an ethernet cable stuck up our arses, because baby, we mean business! If things go well, we might even launch an IPO.
So keep an eye out, because KebabCamp may be coming to a ticker tape near you!
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