Errant Ramblings: Mitzi Szereto’s Weblog

Mitzi Szereto with the KebabCampers

“The best startup in town, we don’t make anything, we just eat.”

Google Schmoogle. Who needs Larry Page or Sergey Brin?

Yeah, I know, everyone’s an entrepreneur. And everyone’s got a startup – from your crazy Uncle Jack who’s always grabbing the breasts of strange women to your potty old Aunt Tillie from Temecula. Hell, even your cousin Ernie with that twitching left eye and the embarrassing case of Tourette’s fancies himself as the next Jeff Bezos. Oh, and let’s not forget all those socially inept internet geeks with Asperger’s (a word of advice, ladies: don’t ever get into a relationship with one of these guys! If you’re not sure who they are, just think Mr. Spock).

In Silicon Valley alone you’ll find yourself tripping over the number of people doing startups, and let’s not forget their little brother on the East Coast, Silicon Alley. Frankly, I’m surprised there are this many things to actually START UP. Admittedly, London is lagging a bit behind its Yankee relatives, but hey, we’re catching up! Of course not every startup king (or queen) has a cunning master plan, but not to worry. If they don’t, they’ll most assuredly have a team all set to go… providing they ever come up with that startup idea they hope will set fire to the world (or, at the very least, set fire to their garage “headquarters” when things go down the pan). I believe this is known in the business as “an escape plan” – ie start up, then get the hell out!

Therefore not to be outdone, here is yet one more startup to add to the fray: KebabCamp. And I’m damned proud to be a founding member of the team.

We don’t need fancy offices in Canary Wharf or some “campus” in Palo Alto full of tykes playing Hide and Seek or frolicking in sandboxes. (Err, wait – that’s for the employees, not their kids!). And we don’t need some grungy garage either. Hell, we don’t even need a business plan! You won’t hear us bandying about terms like “Venture Capitalist” and “Angel Investor” and “Seed Money“. Who needs capitalists and angels and seeds when you’ve got a nice juicy kebab staring you in the face? Nah, we’re above all that stuff.

We hold our meetings over an orgy of food in a Tower Hamlets‘ kebab house. No, I won’t tell you which one, since it’s a bitch to get a table there even if you’ve booked. Mind you, I’m sure we’ll have an easier time of it in future, since last time we were there one of the waiters kept taking a perverse delight in brushing against me whenever we passed one another. (Is that a gun in your pocket…) But hey, if it gets us better service, who am I to complain? I’ve made sacrifices before – what’s one more?

When our team isn’t out kebabing in the East End, we’ll be busy Skypeing, since everyone knows that any startup worth its weight in bootstraps holds meetings on Skype. You’ll find us online day and night, 24/7, rain or shine. No one sleeps. Who has time for sleep when you’ve got a startup to start up? From various locations in and around London, there we’ll be: eyes and fingertips glued to our computers, an ethernet cable stuck up our arses, because baby, we mean business! If things go well, we might even launch an IPO.

So keep an eye out, because KebabCamp may be coming to a ticker tape near you!

Oh, for the good old days when I actually had someone say that to me! Now I’m rarely to be found on Skype. Out of curiosity, however, I ventured on fairly recently, logging on as “Away” just to see who was around. Well, let’s say that I got a lot more than I bargained for.

No sooner did I become visible than my laptop began to ring with that distinctive weirdy spacey Skypey ring – and it’s some strange name not even on my contact list, some guy from Slovakia. Well, I don’t know anyone from Slovakia, or at least not anyone who’s on my Skype. Figuring it to be a “wrong number,” I didn’t answer. The ringing stopped, only to start right up again. I ignored it, though I admit I wondered how this Slav could be getting it wrong twice in a row. The ringing ceased, then again it started back up. Three times unlucky? No way. Clearly someone really wanted to speak to me. Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to plug in my headset and answer… because whoever this Slavic geezer was, he was not going away any time soon.

What next transpired had to be one of the most surreal conversations I’ve ever engaged in – and that includes all the surreal interplanetary ones I had with my former Skype partner. Since I was already logged into Facebook, I decided to update my status message to reflect my current activities, posting comments beneath my update to record for posterity all that was taking place.

Here follows the full Facebook commentary with both my comments and those of my friends (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent):

Mitzi Szereto who in hell is stefan from slovakia and why is he phoning on my skype? who IS this guy?
18 March at 22:47

Mitzi Szereto at 22:49 on 18 March
bardejov, slovakia. WTF???????
i don’t speak bloody slovak. he’s not even on my list.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:50 on 18 March
i’m gonna call him now. so there.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:51 on 18 March
shit he’s calling again.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:51 on 18 March
i am speaking to him now

Dougie Moorehouse at 22:51 on 18 March
at least he isnt a prince from nigeria:)

Mitzi Szereto at 22:52 on 18 March
he is in budapest.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:52 on 18 March
i don’t know this guy.

Wez Whitton at 22:53 on 18 March
that’s scary… skype stalking… that’s something new.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:53 on 18 March
he can hardly speak english.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:55 on 18 March
he found me randomly. just called on skype and got me.

Benjie Levy at 22:56 on 18 March
Chwat zchizz yuur zscname, chbabyiszsch?

Mitzi Szereto at 22:57 on 18 March
he knows my name.

Wez Whitton at 22:57 on 18 March
lol@ Benjie… dat’s funny shitnizsch.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:57 on 18 March
this is hysterical.

Wez Whitton at 22:58 on 18 March
get his number and hand it out to everyone you know with skype and have them randomly call him.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:58 on 18 March
he does quality control for chickens.

Mitzi Szereto at 22:58 on 18 March
this is scary.

Wez Whitton at 22:58 on 18 March
lol@chicken plucker….lol

Wez Whitton at 22:59 on 18 March
dat makes you grade A poultry Mitzi…lol

Mitzi Szereto at 22:59 on 18 March
he also does something with jacuzzis

Mitzi Szereto at 22:59 on 18 March
and meat

Wez Whitton at 23:00 on 18 March
hmmm..chickens…jacuzzis…this is bordering on illegal stuff now…lol

Mitzi Szereto at 23:00 on 18 March
and also fabrics.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:01 on 18 March
he also tests cameras.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:01 on 18 March
he is clearly a busy man.

Roberto Rachet at 23:02 on 18 March
Slovakia, Budapest is bloody Hongaria not Slovakia, and anybody doing quality control for chickens I woudn’t take seriously, but then again you never know.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:03 on 18 March
he has the old skype and likes it. he isn’t so crazy about new skype.

Cat Babinsky at 23:03 on 18 March
Like bees to honey (LOL)!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
i told him to call some chickens.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
he laughs a lot.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
he can’t understand me very well.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:04 on 18 March
bloody foreigner

Roberto Rachet at 23:04 on 18 March
where does he find time to stalk you!!!!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:05 on 18 March
we got disconnected and i am leaving it that way and not going to pick up. he is ringing again. go away.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:06 on 18 March
he is calling me again. he will not give up.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:07 on 18 March
he cannot even speak english why is he bloody phoning me back?

Murial Fountainhead at 23:07 on 18 March
what language is that?

Roberto Rachet at 23:07 on 18 March
I mean chickens and cameras and jacuzzis and meat and all the rest of the C..P well at least he has shown a good taste in people to stalk

Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
i have such a headache now.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
christ now he is messaging me.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:08 on 18 March
he is saying he’s sorry he knows i’m busy. lol

Mitzi Szereto at 23:09 on 18 March
what is it with these slavs?

Richie Szabo at 23:09 on 18 March
Roberto what da hell r u talking bout??? Budapest is capital of Hungary. Slovakia is a country which capital is Bratislava and they speak slovak. The Hungarians speak Hungarian obviously. Nd these 2 languages are completely different. Anyway, I wouldn’t take him seriously too.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:12 on 18 March
it’s all weird richie. totally weird. he has a slav name, he is listed on skype as being in slovakia, and he tells me he lives in budapest and does quality control for chickens, cameras, and jacuzzis.

Jeannie Dottie at 23:13 on 18 March
LOL. I needed a laugh so thanks for this – very funny (and thank Gawd I don’t have skippy-skype!) )

Dickie Corgan at 23:14 on 18 March
Sounds like a spammer. Block and report him.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:15 on 18 March
spamming what – that he has a million chickens that he needs to send me because he cannot leave budapest?

Mitzi Szereto at 23:16 on 18 March
stefan horniak. lol! surely that name can’t be kosher. HORNIAK? give over mate.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:20 on 18 March
now i got some guy stalking me from plaxo. he’s sending photos to my email. one is with his kid. you can’t be serious.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:23 on 18 March
OMG it’s getting even better. just had an invite sent to my yahoo calendar from roselyn kilpalya, who is a lovely young woman who wants to be loved and she apparently saw my profile and wants a relationship with me. hang on – i’ll paste it here.

Roberto Rachet at 23:23 on 18 March
of course the languages are different I know because I speak both of them an I do know geography as in where is what, but I am curious how do you know that not many here could see the difference.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:23 on 18 March
Nice to meet you, My name is Roselyn,i am tall,slim,fair,and a very good looking girl that loves travelling and dancing, a student,that loves to be loved,i really want to have a good relationship with you after going through your profile i want to find my Love, I am longing to find my soul mate and true love to share all my love and happiness, joy … Read moreand desire and sometimes even sorrow and sadness. kindly permit my contacting you through this medium i am compelled to contact you via this medium for obvious reasons which you will understand when we discuss details of my proposition.Please i will like you to reply to me through my mail address so that we will know each other very well,i am looking forward to your positive confirmation to enable us have an important discussion then we will start from there which will include my introduction,i will send my pictures later. Hoping towards a wonderful lasting friendship with you Thanks and God bless you,

Mitzi Szereto at 23:24 on 18 March
oh boy! could this be the mendiing of my broken heart???

Roberto Rachet at 23:31 on 18 March
oooo lord just dont send any money!!!!!
See how it goes first.

Mitzi Szereto at 23:36 on 18 March
money? lol – what’s that?

Mitzi Szereto at 23:38 on 18 March
hey if she wants to court me she’s got to treat me like a lady. none of this mates kinda shite.

Roberto Rachet at 23:41 on 18 March
Good for you, You go girl!!!!!!!

Roberto Rachet at 23:42 on 18 March
And just in case she says no give her my phone number!

Carla Pretti at 23:45 on 18 March
Mitzi, I find your wall terribly entertaining, I would swap it with an evening out at the cinema and definitely with some ehm… well cooked chicken ) hihihi….. LOL! El desperados are too many on earth to talk about them all, but watch your back from those scams girl because you are far above them!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:46 on 18 March
tell ya what – you can have her. i know already it isn’t going to work.

Carla Pretti at 23:48 on 18 March
As far as you keep it CONFIDENTIAL XXX!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:49 on 18 March
carla, i only live to see the next day in order to entertain everyone on facebook. i realise i have a responsibility to my facebook friends and my own selfish needs and desires are of no consequence.

Carla Pretti at 23:52 on 18 March
Sweet one, but yourself has still to come 1st 99% of the times!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:52 on 18 March
roberto, here is my suitor’s email address. give it a shot.
roselynkikpalya1@yahoo.com

Mitzi Szereto at 23:52 on 18 March
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59Hj7bp38f8

Carla Pretti at 23:56 on 18 March
Ah, ah! Luvd it!

Mitzi Szereto at 23:57 on 18 March
carla dear one, a nice thought, but not entirely realistic. anyway, enough of such talk. when are we going for rose shisha?

Carla Pretti at 23:59 on 18 March
Yeah, we have to arrange. I have not forgotten…

Mitzi Szereto at 00:01 on 19 March
don’t wait too long! i am planning to go to california in a few weeks and will likely be gone for at least a month. x

Carla Pretti at 00:05 on 19 March
OK, will try and get in touch with the 3rd part as well.

Mitzi Szereto at 00:05 on 19 March
excellent. and lebanese food on edgware road. perfection! and if the weather holds out, all the better to sit outside and smoke like a bunch of old arabs just out of mosque. love it!

Carla Pretti at 00:06 on 19 March
LOL!

Mitzi Szereto at 00:10 on 19 March
inshallah.

Mitzi Szereto at 00:11 on 19 March
إن شاء الله

Carla Pretti at 00:11 on 19 March

Lana Rossie at 01:14 on 19 March
don’t kick the slovaks. I have very fond memories of a very fine Slovak…and DAMN, he was fine…

-fin-

I never heard from Mr. Horniak of Slovakia-via-Budapest again. Probably just as well; it would never have worked between us. Not really. I mean, a man who spends his time with chickens? I just can’t see it. I can’t help wondering though if the fact that I’ve not gone back onto Skype since that night might have anything to do with the fact that he’s dumped me…

Oh well…. Another one bites the dust.