Well, yet another Christmas has passed and if you’re anything like me, it tends to bounce right off, leaving not so much as a dent. However, even us expat Scrooges can’t avoid some of that “Christmas cheer”. I’m speaking, of course, of the one kind of Christmas cheer that can turn even the most mild-mannered librarian into a berserk axe-wielding psychopath ready to slay anyone who so much as looks in their direction.
No, I’m not talking about that great British tradition Sir Cliff Richard and his oh-so-happy bowel-loosening Christmas tunes. I’m referring to yet another great British tradition: the vomit-inducing endless playing and replaying of the 1970’s Slade hit single “Merry Xmas Everybody“, featuring the vocals of one Noddy Holder, whose voice could strip paint from metal, not to mention turn human eardrums into tinsel. Oh yeah, it doesn’t get any worse than this. No matter where you go or what you do, you can’t avoid it. In the words of my hair stylist, “It’ll get you sooner or later.”
Ominous, eh?
Indeed. And no one seems to be immune to this menace either. You can tell that things have really deteriorated to Night of the Living Dead sheer terror stage when you observe Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Sikhs all tapping their toes to this musical malady that is being blasted from the sound system in every shop, petrol station, hair salon, kebab house, and newsagents throughout the United Kingdom from November till New Years. Where’s George A. Romero when you need him? Come to think of it, where’s Dirty Harry? (Do you feel lucky, punk?)
The strange thing is, everyone seems to hate this bloody song, so why does it keep getting so much airplay? I guess it’s like traditional Christmas pudding – everyone hates that too, but just try finding one family Christmas dinner in Britain where it isn’t being served. It’s analogous to fruitcake in America, which works brilliantly as a door-stopper or laxative, but bears little resemblance to a proper dessert. I doubt even death-row inmates are forced to endure such punishments.
As for Noddy Holder, he has a lot to answer for. Though I suppose if I were back in the USA, I’d be driven to wall-biting insanity by Bing Crosby‘s “White Christmas“, which offers up its own special brand of nausea, albeit with a more American flavour. Oh man, some people just won’t die, no matter how much you might want them to. I suspect it will be the same with Noddy Holder.
Which leads me to the whole point of this blog post. There’s only one cure for this malady which strikes Great Britain every year at Christmastime and sends millions of its inhabitants gagging and heaving to the nearest gutter or toilet – and that’s to rid this island nation of the great menace itself. And yes, folks, it can be done!
We have to take matters into our own hands. After all, do you see Amnesty International coming to our rescue? Hell no. We’re on our own. So that means we need to take drastic action against this musical pestilence lest it rears its ugly head again next Christmas (and you just know it will!). So what I’m proposing is this: the Death to Noddy Holder Fan Club.
I urge you to take up arms now and enlist. Who knows? If we band together in battle, we might be lucky enough to spend Christmas 2010 with one less agony to endure. So let’s see some of that fighting spirit that made Britain great. It worked during World War II – it can work again!
The full unadulterated evil of this menace can be found here. Watch and listen if you dare! http://www.youtube.com
a new holday song might work, call it,
Noddy Holder Got Runover By A Reindeer?
There is a great deal that happens in this world that many people hate but which is ignored by the powers that be. We are squeezed into boxes that enable the greedy to sell us rubbish that we hate by making it an indespensable fashion accessory which means we are not cool if we don’t have it and risk being ostracised by our so called friends and family. Most of our money is spent on rubbish we don’t want that we buy to impress other people. We need to grow up and start to say no!
There is only one way that we will ever get away from Noddy Holder. I’m afraid that no groups, petitions or marches will do it. If we are going to get a world we truly want then we must be prepared to put ourselves out and risk the criticism of others.
Imagine what would happen if angry and abusive calls occured to every radio station playing shit we don’t like. Do you think when their switchboards overloaded and their companies were paralysed by the public they would continue to play the shit? How about if the staff working for such organisations were subjected to sufficient abuse that they left and people no longer wanted to work there unless the atmosphere changed which would only happen if they started to play the music we wanted.
How about a public strike on buying any products of companies who advertise on commercial radio stations unless music changed. What would that do?
This principal applies to everything we hate. Call centres, bad service, shoddy attitudes of all kinds. It requires people to wake up and have the courage to stop being polite and think of the wider world rather than themselves.
Finally we could try buying songs that have an absolutely obvious message that is the exact opposite of the usual rubbish as if they become successful then they will replace the rubbish. That is what our Crappy Christmas Song aims to do. To attack and ridicule many of the things about Christmas that are just part of the way we are controlled so they can sell us things. It can be seen and heard at:-
youtube.com/beyondrealitymusic.
We are not going to get change in this world unless we truly start to put ourselves out and have the courage to stand up for what we really feel rather than carry on as cooperative and brainless sheep still part of the flock as we were 2,000 years ago when Jesus first described that way. I don’t think he was complimenting us then and I could be a lot ruder than I am now.!
Jeremy Holtom
Yikes, that’s bloody awful stuff. One reason I avoid all mall-like edifices beginning in October is to remain Messy Cheesewhiz-musick-free at all costs. If I want seasonal music, I’ll go listen to the Anonymous 4 or someone doing right by Tchaikovsky.
Next thing you know, they’ll be putting giant TV screens in every pub!….oh, wait….
You left wing socialist christmas softee !!!!!!!!!!, Baa ! Join my ultra right wing international Humbug society and help save the world from Christmas
Tony Vernon-Riley (president IHS )
Jeremy, do you think you can learn the difference between “principle” and “principle” before you critique the Uberkultur?
difference between “principle” and “principle” ……………. Hmmmm Non as far as I can see
try “principle and principal” . Now there is a difference hehe!