The Ardent Suitor Who Refused to Take “No” For an Answer

My Dear Mitzi,

Were it in my humble ability to express to you all that dwells in my heart…  Should you choose to accept my love and accept me into your life, I shall be rich beyond my wildest imaginings! Dare I ask you to be so generous as to consider the joys such a union would bring?

My Dear Mr. Yoog,

Whilst I appreciate your keen devotion to me, I must hereby inform you that my heart shall never belong to you. Although I admire your persistence, I fear, sir, it is a persistence that eats away at me like a pestilence. Your attentions were neither sought nor solicited, nor are they the least bit desired. Therefore I besiege you to kindly desist from darkening my doorstep.

My Darling Girl,

Oh, such harsh words you fling at me! Surely they are not warranted? What dire deed have I committed to deserve such scathing punishment from your sweet lips? Indeed, I merely sought your attentions! I am an honourable suitor. Pray, do not heed the slander being perpetrated by such sinister characters who seek to besmirch the good name of “Yoog”!

Sir,

Your reputation is of a highly unsavoury nature and, indeed, very well deserved, were I to believe the wealth of evidence against you – which I do! Can such a tide of protestations with regard to your questionable attentions be mere fabrication? I fear not. Ergo I shall put forth my request once more: kindly cease posthaste from forcing your attentions upon my person, lest I set the dogs on you!

My Fragrant Flower,

How it pains me to be the victim of such feminine callousness! I have only sought your love, and my intentions are wholly honourable. Is this a crime? I know that you are in possession of a tender heart. Is it so impossible to provide a place for me within it? I am first and foremost a gentleman. Perhaps I err in the enthusiasm of my passions, but rest assured that I am faithful in my quest to win your hand.

Mr. Yoog,

Faithful? Sir, if such fidelity extends to the hands of many, it is a fidelity I do not seek! I cannot speak any more plainly than I already have. Despite my most valiant efforts to rid myself of your noisome presence, you stubbornly persist in following me about. You are a clever villain, indeed. For within moments of my removing you from one location you suddenly reappear in another. Not even the counsel of the most sage of experts can provide me with relief. You are driving me to despair!

Dearest Treasure,

Open your arms and take me to your bosom! Let us both partake of the happiness and joy I offer. Prithee, do not fight me, for I shan’t go away!

Yoog,

I shall fight you with every breath I have! If I must destroy everything in the process, so be it, but be rid of you I shall!

My Lovely One,

Your spirit is admirable, my dear lady, yet it is no match for Yoog! For as you have already acknowledged, I am clever – far more clever than any mere woman! Abandon your struggle before it is too late, and the destruction you make reference to shall truly come to pass.

C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have tried my patience long enough. Upon your head be it!

My Good Woman,

Do your worst!

C%&$@#*%?rM#%&$rF*%$#rB*?#%@d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shall, indeed, do my worst. I have spied you hiding in my preferences file. Oh yes, you are clever, for no sooner do I remove you and replace you with your nemesis Mr. Google than you reappear yet again. I now see that more stringent measures are called for.

Madam,

Surely you do not mean –

Sir,

I do.

My Beloved,

No.

Accursed One,

Yes. I am deleting my preferences file. I am deleting my user file and my cookies file as well, just to make certain you are not lurking there. I shall empty my trash, reboot, then reinstall my browser. Therefore goodbye and farewell, Mr. Yoog. You have imposed upon my good nature for far too long already, you impertinent swine!

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